This is a hard moment to process.
In 2019, I wrote these words, “For in each human, I see the reflection of an indescribable beauty, and I see the destructive powers of a raging evil.” I was reflecting on my own experiences in the church, trying to put into a single phrase a hard-learned lesson about the nature of mankind. And now once again, I am faced with the vivid reality of this abstract idea incarnated in someone I trusted. It’s one thing to write from abstraction, but it remains a difficult experience to put into words.
When I began to hear rumblings of an insidious nature about Ravi Zacharias, I didn’t know what to think. It’s not that I didn’t want to believe any bad about him, but it’s more like it didn’t make any sense to me. He spoke like a person who truly enjoyed God. But the devastating truth was that he wasn’t living out the beautiful messages he spoke to us. He used those beautiful words as a shield in sowing destruction.
For me, this is all too familiar. In my own story, the man who led me through the prayer of salvation, and was an important early source of understanding Christianity, is now a convicted pedophile. Further, I’ve experienced several leaders who speak one way from the pulpit and overtly live another way in their personal lives. So, what should I do with that knowledge and experience? Here’s some of what I’ve been holding onto in the last few years:
1) Trust is a desirable quality
Oftentimes, we approach people whose opinion and theology we agree with from an attitude of trust until they prove they are untrustworthy. This seems to be a Christian approach; in a sense, it’s an innocent until proven guilty approach. Imagine if I took the opposite view, one in which everyone is untrustworthy until they prove they are otherwise. Such an attitude could make me jaded, cynical, paranoid, and superstitious. Because of my belief in the goodness of God and the confidence of redemption in Jesus, I am inclined to be trust-filled and ever-hopeful. This is not an attitude to rebuke, but a redemptive approach towards life.
2) Be wise in dealing with humans
Due to the problem of evil in our world, my trust will be violated over and over. In this case, it was violated in some of the worst ways with life-long damage and consequences. I’m still processing the grief and shock. Wherever I end up in this situation in grief or anger or confusion, I cannot denigrate my desire to trust. It is a gift from a loving God. People will abuse it, because we live in an evil age. God therefore tells us to “be wise as serpents and as innocent as doves,” (Matthew 10:16) and that if we suffer harm that it should be from the evil actions of others and not from our own evil. (1 Peter 3:13-17)
3) Community is still valuable
I need community with fellow humans, even Church community– which means I will continue to experience evil such as fraudulent behaviors and activities. Because of that need for community there is no way for me to completely escape the failings of fellow humans—nor my own failings—as long as I am living. We are made for community, specifically for our own flourishing. It affords us accountability, encouragement, learning, and love.
I will also lean into Jesus’s own words and let God minister to my aching soul, but I don’t wish to sound too tidy on this matter. Learning to bear such atrocities is not an easily won education, even when trusting Jesus. I will give myself room to lament this cruel tragedy, and at the same time realize that I don’t fully understand how to proceed. But I do know that right now I can pray for our community, for the fellowship of believers who are in shock, disgusted, angry, victimized, and in lament. I can uplift the marginalized and abused. I can encourage others to persist in loving and doing good.
4) Learn to enjoy God
I haven’t been taught how to enjoy God very well. Mostly, I’ve learned a list of what to do and not do to live a moral life; a set of rules (spoken and unspoken). But rules are not equivalent to relationships. My relationship with God is supposed to be something that satisfies even where desires go unsatisfied in life. In this case, my desire is for there to be leaders I can look up to.
I have longed over my life to have a human mentor I can fully trust, who does what is right…always; my own Captain America. But that is just unrealistic. The only one who will never fail me is God. I am learning that no matter what happens in this life, I still have the purpose and intention of being in relationship with God and of enjoying Him forever. Because of this relationship with God, the apostle Paul, in the face of great suffering and evil said:
“For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)
I take hope that Paul’s words are not merely wishful or even fanciful, but the reality of relationship with the Creator.
May God bring comfort, healing, and hope to those who have suffered greatly.